Beyond B9 - My Pink Ribbon Story: May 2012

Hi family and friends,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. Since I last wrote I went on full time disability so im not working anymore, had to get my lawyers involved because my insurance is not paying for anything with my breast cancer, I started a new chemotherapy called Taxol, survived chemo last week with a bad chest cold and food poisoning, and got a new puppy named Henry.

My last treatment was a treatment called Taxol. It’s my fifth treatment all together but my first treatment with Taxol. The treatment takes 5 hours to drip into my system because people sometimes have an allergic reaction which could be deadly so the doctors need to monitor you the whole time. Two days before this last treatment I start to get a small cold. I talked to my doctor and we decided to go ahead with the chemo and also use an antibiotic. I also received another Luron shot. The Taxol has a steroid in it that causes me to gain weight which I gained 10 pounds in one week. I've been very upset and emotional from the menopause and the steroid and also had to deal with the chest cold which became very intense. On top of all that I stupidly went and succumbed to my cravings and got McDonald’s. Later that night I got really bad food poisoning. I debated on either calling 911 or calling my mom. I called mom and she came out to help and nurse me back to health. Something about moms that make everything better with just the fact that she was with me. She’s also a registered dietician so she gave me the right food and electrolytes to make me better. Normally when I get food poisoning or a cold the poisoning is out of my system fast and I feel better in the morning and the cold will be gone at most in 5 days. After the food poisoning I felt sick for 4 days and the cold moved into my chest and throat causing me to lose my voice and be really sick for almost 2 weeks. After this last treatment a lot of my hair has fallen out my eyebrows and eyelashes are thin or gone as well. My finger nails have turned black and look like I slammed all of them in the door. I've never felt so ugly and that's not like me. I just don't feel like myself and I think that's what kills me the most. I had decided I was going to go through this as strong as I possibly could. I realized that in life you sometimes don’t have the choice of what life throws at you but you do have the option to either torture yourself through the experience by being sad or negative or you can make the best of it knowing that this way will make it easier for you to stay as positive as possible. Then menopause hit. The hot flashes, fluctuating mood swings, the cramps and crazy cravings are making that a little hard to be positive but I’m doing my best. J This last treatment of Taxol with the steroid and menopause makes it even more difficult. Sometimes I want to not even worry about turning the knob to my front door and just smash through it to get inside while punching everyone on my way there and other times I want to cry because I had to walk up the stairs to get to the door. It’s almost over though just three more treatments left, a mastectomy on July 2^nd then 4 weeks recovery and I’ll be ALL DONE!!!The doctor said if everything goes back to normal after this I should expect my period three months after my last treatment. I thought I would never say this but I hope I get my period again. A little funny fact: The way I know that my body is coming back and my immune system is able to fight again is when I get a pimple. Pimple is a good sign after chemo because it lets me know that my body is able to fight again.

I went on full-time disability starting Monday and I'm was going stir crazy not being able to go anywhere and trying to recover from that cold and food poisoning. I think going to work kept my mind off of things.

My insurance has denied all of my claims involving my breast cancer diagnosis. They are doing everything in their power to not have to pay for any of this. They first claimed that they have requested paper work from all of my doctors involved in this diagnosis and treatment and said they hadn’t received any of what they requested. I have had to call and be on the phone with my insurance 2 to 3 times a week since March which made it hard for me to rest and recover from chemo. Then they claimed that my breast cancer was a preexisting condition. Wait WHAT?? I must have forgotten going through this before. They do anything they can to prolong this process and not pay for anything. This can’t be good for my recovery. My doctor wrote me a prescription for 4 cranial prosthetics which is just a fancy way of saying wigs. I went to the wig store and bought 3. The women helped me try them on and made me feel comfortable with wearing them. I spend A LOT of money on 2 synthetic and 1 real hair wigs knowing it was okay because my insurance was going to reimburse me. The next day I called to see how I should go about getting paid back and Blue Shield’s rep told me they wouldn’t pay for it because they believe that people with cancer don’t need wigs. It’s not necessary for cancer patients to get wigs so I didn’t see a dime of the wig money and the wigs were nonrefundable. I’m was screwed. We have a lawyer but still the process is taking a long time. I also am not working anymore until I’m recovered. I’m only getting paid disability from EDD which is only 40% of my monthly paycheck so I’m trying to get by with peanuts here. My medical bills are about to go to collections and all I can do about this right now is say “Oh well what can you do?”

Through this whole process I have learned that the most important thing in life is your health and happiness so take care of yourself. If you stop focusing on that you could lose yourself like I did there for a little while. I was in Grad school at night while working full time in the day and trying to make ends meet while finding and dating guys that really weren’t worth my time. I never stopped to smell the flowers even though I work at a Landscape Architecture firm. Crazy I know. Now I have time to feel the sun on my face and the breeze on my bald head.

Last week I got a puppy named Henry. He is so cute and well behaved. He makes me happy and laugh all the time. I have the time to train and take care of him now. I got the Cesar Millan used books and DVD’s to make sure I’m being a great “pack leader” for my little man. Now I can also raise my puppy with my mom while she raises her puppy. Henry is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and my mom’s dog, Tyrone, is a Rhodesian ridgeback. People will try to tell you the decisions you make in your life are wrong or they aren’t the right way to live but if you want to do something then DO IT. Only you know what will make you happy. Easy as that. It’s your life so live it as you feel you should. People told me that I wouldn’t be able to take care of Henry during chemo because it’s a lot of responsibility and it was a very bad decision. I got him anyway and I can’t be happier. I love him.

Sometimes it takes a life threatening experience to appreciate life. When you are staring death in the face you have a choice to fight and a choice to give up. We are wired to fight! For me there is no other option. I look at life in a different light now. I love the air I breathe and the sun on my face. Life is good and worth the fight. I didn’t tell any of my family or friends what I did the day after I was diagnosed so where better to read this but in a blog. Once my parents left my place I got online and ordered my username and password note book. This book has a place for you to put all of your online and important accounts (bank account etc.) usernames and passwords so if you pass away your family and friends can access these easily to do what they need to do to close the accounts. I also picked out my urn online and decided where I would want to sprinkled if and when I passed. I didn’t do these things because I was accepting defeat or expecting to die but I did see that this was an option and these things needed to happen. I was just imagining my family having to deal with my finances and loose ends and also asking all of my friends if they knew my plans if I ever unexpectedly passed away.

I have my next Taxol treatment tomorrow at 10:45am. I’m going in without a cold so I’ll be able to correctly express my experience this time and will write more about my side effects etc. about a week after tomorrow. Thank you to my family and friends for all of your help and support through this fight. I cant say I would have been able to do this without you.

-Carina