A Mother's Perspective

Hi everyone,
I figured it would be good to share my moms perspective in all of this. 

"This is not all right.  That’s what I have to say about my daughter having breast cancer.  It’s just not okay.  Yes, I am certain that she will fight it and have a long healthy life with a family and a great career she loves with all the adventure that comes with it but having cancer is never okay.

Getting to the point where Carina started chemo was absolutely indescribable.  There was so much fear, emotion, disbelief that we held each other through that the day of chemo was just the apex of the huge mountain we had already climbed in a few short months. Days have all blended together for us.  Her first of eight chemo days I couldn’t make my mind realize that I was on my way to Santa Monica again to voluntarily deliver my beautiful baby to have a needle stuck in a port surgically implanted in her chest and let red and white poison drip directly into her vena cava that shoots into her heart.  My role in Carina’s fight has been to research the disease, drugs, chemo agents and their effects, side effects, and exactly why she needs these to survive.  At least we could explain how and why she went to near death and back over the next four days.

Carina was ready to bolt out the door just before we started after a weekend of pain and fever post egg retrieval.  Doctor Fischer assured us and took us back to the poison room.  Carina’s oncology nurse gave her a shot of Ativan that sent her to the moon.  We got her chemo hats on her and off we went.  A series of shots and IV’s went into her for a few hours with several changes of ice hats, a long list of medicines she had to take for the next three days, and so much insurance garbage to sort through.  I couldn’t believe we were heading home and it was in her.  Immediately the Adriamycin and Cytoxin attacked her intestinal system.  Nausea ensued like you wouldn’t believe.  A few hours of fighting it led into two days. Once she calmed down enough to sleep the chemo took over her little body.  She was this waif of a woman lying on her side in her bed and could look up with only enough energy to say “Hi mama” and back to sleep. Not knowing that one day had turned into the next or whether it was day or night, she just existed.  On the third day the nausea subsided a little but the abdominal pain, head ache, and emotional roller coaster started that were all menopause symptoms from the Lupron.  The chemo affected her bones, mouth, eyes, head, and skin. She was truly taken to hell and back and I couldn’t stop it.  Feed her and comfort her was all I could do.  On day 3 her roommate text me to say she wasn’t doing very well.  I was already on my way there.  That night she rested her head on my stomach while I tickled her hair for hours.  Her resting heart rate was close to 100 because her little body was fighting to clear the poison out and start recovering the cells chemo had killed.  She woke up and asked what time it was and her only concern was that I needed to sleep.  That’s my girl.

The next morning I knew she was going to make it and that the poison wasn’t going to kill her because she called me in a rage over something that, in retrospect, wasn’t worth the energy.  I smiled on the other end knowing that the next two weeks were going to be good.

Thursday is the next “treatment” or what ever we call it.  Like everything in this process that is just not okay, it’s easier to take when we know what to expect.  We have heard countless stories of chemo infusions and how the first one is the worst, or the second one is the worst, but we live this as if Carina is the only person dealing with it because it is her fight and hers alone.  Over the past two months I have researched every aspect of this disease and it’s treatments.  It’s been like a required course for a degree that everyone dreads but we have no choice.  I’m shooting for the best outcome for Carina with the last treatment somewhere in July."

-Lari Bright

3/13/12

My First Treatment

Hi Family and Friends,

I had my first treatment on Tuesday Feb 28^th. I am not going to lie I was scared.  I brought the chemo caps but I don’t think I made them cold enough so we will see in about 14 days if it worked. I went to work for the first half of the day then to be honest most of this is sort of a blur. I went and got the dry ice before chemo to freeze the hats.  Then my mom and I packed all of my 6 bags to take to my treatment.  One for meds, one for medical docs, another was my purse, one more for the Chemo hats, another for my laptop and another for my blankets and jackets.  Haha we were over prepared.  I got to my place where I packed and my mom prepared the hats then we went to St. Johns.  My dad met us at Saint John’s and helped with the luggage.  We looked like foreigners.  The nurse took me and my parents back to one room where I finally lost my cool completely and cried.  My mom and dad held strong and let me purge.  I love them. I first got my Lupron (menopause shot) so the chemo wouldn’t kill my eggs (fingers crossed). They let me pick my lounge chair in the treatment room so I tucked my luggage away and they hooked me up to the IV.  To take the edge off the nurse gave me some Ativan (for anxiety) which I’m pretty sure was enough for a 500lb man and not for a 140lb woman.  I was pretty messed up.  Then came the red liquid and the clear liquid.  I’m not sure which was which because I was so loopy.  After the 2 hours of treatment and shots I went home and felt like I was hit by a truck.  Close to throwing up but never did because of all the meds and ginger ale. I tried to fall asleep as much as possible.  I didn’t know I couldn’t take Ambien or Sonata but I did which could have caused me to go into a coma.  Well I won’t do that again.  The next three days was a blur and I just wanted to be sedated or knocked out completely.  I ate a little but not enough.  My mind wasn’t up to par the last few days and the nurse called it chemo head.  I guess the chemo effects everything as it should.  I noticed the skin on my lips are peeling off and my nose is filled with snot.  Not trying to impress here haha. My stomach is really sensitive and I have no energy.  Today I had to take a break from writing my calendar for March.  I laid down for 20 minutes after 5 min of writing my calendar. So last night (I think it was last night but it could have been the night before last) my roommate texted my mom and told her I wasn’t doing too well.  I’m not sure what tipped him to think I wasn’t doing well but I really wasn’t.  When I woke up I was about to call my mom to help me but she was already outside my place.  Last night my mom gave me food and water and scratched my head for a couple hours while the meds kicked in.  I was having such a rough time but today I’m feeling a little better.  Still have chemo head and menopause hot flashes maybe who knows what all of this is and what’s going on.  I feel like my IQ has gone down a lot since I started chemo.  The chemo kills my bacteria too which makes it so I have no body odor.  It’s weird.  Last night I had a resting heart rate of 100 so my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest.  I’ll write more once my brain turns back on.  This has been hard to say the least.  Thanks everyone for all of your help and support through this hard time. I tried to post the videos but they were too big.  Ill try again.

Im hooked through my port getting treatment.

I let finally let go and cried.

                                                 The HEADS of my support group.  I love you. 

 My mom

Mom by my bed after surgery

Dad with a smile during my chemo treatment

They have been by my side every second of this.  Thank you to everyone for all the support and help.

Scared

Hi everyone,

Tonight I stayed at work until 1:30am because 1. there is just way too much to get done and not enough time and two I thought that if I leave then the chemotherapy will be happening sooner than later. Crazy logic I know.  If I stayed there longer then the longer it would take for me to have to go through my first treatment.  I got in my car and remembered I needed to get the dry ice for my chemo caps and everywhere I went they didn’t have anything.  Then I dropped at Carl’s JR to get some nasty food and take some more time. Once I got the food and sat in my car it was time for me to drive home and get in my bed and fall asleep.  If I fall asleep then ill wake up and have to get my first Lupron shot and my first Chemo injection with my chemo caps.  I’m scared.  I’m scared of something I have never faced before but have only heard stories about this monster.  I don’t have the personal experience to say whether this is going to be fine or if this is going to be agonizing for the next 4 months.  I will be a product of tons of medications for the next 4 months and I won’t be myself.  I must apologize ahead of time and tonight is the night that I officially check out as my true self.  For the next 4 months I’ll be some sort of calm monster and a product of 15-20 different drugs.

Oh man I’m not looking forward to this.

Sleep well my family and friends.

Love Carina

PS I forgot to post this two nights ago but I started chemo yesterday.  Ill show pictures and write more tomorrow.  Good night everyone.