Still not over

Hi everyone,
I'm sorry it took so long to write after my mastectomy but i have been dealing with things that I didn't expect but I guess I should have.  I'm working hard on trying to get my head straight after chemo and the surgeries but the lows are very low and way too often.  I am depressed and now have to get help for that.  Its a chemical issue and needs to be healed but I don't want medication to get straight again.  I have to now see other doctors for this and I will be better I hope soon.  My best friends are going through some amazingly positive things and they have let me be a big part of that which has made this easier and I thank them for that.  I feel blessed.  I had my mastectomy and was suppose to be in the hospital for at most 3 days but I went home on the 5th day.  It was harder then I was told but I guess it usually is easier and most women bounce back faster. I took my pain meds through the chemo for the bone pain and all of that and also through the surgery so now I'm dealing with slowly getting off of those which has been hard but I know I can do this.  I have been watching a lot of netflix which has helped keep my mind off of things but easily the shows capture my emotions and they change my moods for how the episodes change.  I was suppose to be having my surgery two to three months after my mastectomy and then it would all be over and I can get my life back together but my doctor doesn't have an opening for surgery for 7 months so again I have to put my life on hold which didn't help the depression much.  It made me sink lower actually.  I don't have my job anymore so Ill have to start looking for something that pays well but the doctor said he cant clear me to start working again until i get myself back on track.  I have videos of after the mastectomy and photos of the drain tubes but ill save an extra blog at another date to go into full detail about how that went and what they did.  I used latisse on my eye lashes and eye brows and that made them grow back in a few weeks.  I found the generic stuff and ordered it and a lot more so if anyone wants to try some its $30 a bottle. I have about 25 of them. Its hard to write much because I know its not the best news and i should be happier but after i take care of these problems ill be on my way to a better life.
Thanks for following my story.
-Carina

A few days after my mastectomy.

My first Taxol treatment

Hi family and friends,

 I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. Since I last wrote I went on full time disability so im not working anymore, had to get my lawyers involved because my insurance is not paying for anything with my breast cancer, I started a new chemotherapy called Taxol, survived chemo last week with a bad chest cold and food poisoning, and got a new puppy named Henry.

  My last treatment was a treatment called Taxol.  It’s my fifth treatment all together but my first treatment with Taxol.  The treatment takes 5 hours to drip into my system because people sometimes have an allergic reaction which could be deadly so the doctors need to monitor you the whole time. Two days before this last treatment I start to get a small cold.  I talked to my doctor and we decided to go ahead with the chemo and also use an antibiotic. I also received another Luron shot. The Taxol has a steroid in it that causes me to gain weight which I gained 10 pounds in one week. I've been very upset and emotional from the menopause and the steroid and also had to deal with the chest cold which became very intense. On top of all that I stupidly went and succumbed to my cravings and got McDonald’s. Later that night I got really bad food poisoning. I debated on either calling 911 or calling my mom. I called mom and she came out to help and nurse me back to health. Something about moms that make everything better with just the fact that she was with me. She’s also a registered dietician so she gave me the right food and electrolytes to make me better. Normally when I get food poisoning or a cold the poisoning is out of my system fast and I feel better in the morning and the cold will be gone at most in 5 days.  After the food poisoning I felt sick for 4 days and the cold moved into my chest and throat causing me to lose my voice and be really sick for almost 2 weeks.  After this last treatment a lot of my hair has fallen out my eyebrows and eyelashes are thin or gone as well. My finger nails have turned black and look like I slammed all of them in the door.   I've never felt so ugly and that's not like me.  I just don't feel like myself and I think that's what kills me the most.  I had decided I was going to go through this as strong as I possibly could.  I realized that in life you sometimes don’t have the choice of what life throws at you but you do have the option to either torture yourself through the experience by being sad or negative or you can make the best of it knowing that this way will make it easier for you to stay as positive as possible.  Then menopause hit.  The hot flashes, fluctuating mood swings, the cramps and crazy cravings are making that a little hard to be positive but I’m doing my best. J This last treatment of Taxol with the steroid and menopause makes it even more difficult.  Sometimes I want to not even worry about turning the knob to my front door and just smash through it to get inside while punching everyone on my way there and other times I want to cry because I had to walk up the stairs to get to the door.  It’s almost over though just three more treatments left, a mastectomy on July 2^nd then 4 weeks recovery and I’ll be ALL DONE!!!The doctor said if everything goes back to normal after this I should expect my period three months after my last treatment.  I thought I would never say this but I hope I get my period again.  A little funny fact:  The way I know that my body is coming back and my immune system is able to fight again is when I get a pimple.  Pimple is a good sign after chemo because it lets me know that my body is able to fight again.

I went on full-time disability starting Monday and I'm was going stir crazy not being able to go anywhere and trying to recover from that cold and food poisoning.  I think going to work kept my mind off of things. 

My insurance has denied all of my claims involving my breast cancer diagnosis. They are doing everything in their power to not have to pay for any of this.  They first claimed that they have requested paper work from all of my doctors involved in this diagnosis and treatment and said they hadn’t received any of what they requested.  I have had to call and be on the phone with my insurance 2 to 3 times a week since March which made it hard for me to rest and recover from chemo.  Then they claimed that my breast cancer was a preexisting condition.  Wait WHAT?? I must have forgotten going through this before.  They do anything they can to prolong this process and not pay for anything. This can’t be good for my recovery.  My doctor wrote me a prescription for 4 cranial prosthetics which is just a fancy way of saying wigs.  I went to the wig store and bought 3.  The women helped me try them on and made me feel comfortable with wearing them.  I spend A LOT of money on 2 synthetic and 1 real hair wigs knowing it was okay because my insurance was going to reimburse me.  The next day I called to see how I should go about getting paid back and Blue Shield’s rep told me they wouldn’t pay for it because they believe that people with cancer don’t need wigs.  It’s not necessary for cancer patients to get wigs so I didn’t see a dime of the wig money and the wigs were nonrefundable. I’m was screwed.  We have a lawyer but still the process is taking a long time.  I also am not working anymore until I’m recovered.  I’m only getting paid disability from EDD which is only 40% of my monthly paycheck so I’m trying to get by with peanuts here.  My medical bills are about to go to collections and all I can do about this right now is say “Oh well what can you do?”

Through this whole process I have learned that the most important thing in life is your health and happiness so take care of yourself.  If you stop focusing on that you could lose yourself like I did there for a little while.  I was in Grad school at night while working full time in the day and trying to make ends meet while finding and dating guys that really weren’t worth my time.  I never stopped to smell the flowers even though I work at a Landscape Architecture firm.  Crazy I know.  Now I have time to feel the sun on my face and the breeze on my bald head. 

Last week I got a puppy named Henry.  He is so cute and well behaved. He makes me happy and laugh all the time.  I have the time to train and take care of him now.  I got the Cesar Millan used books and DVD’s to make sure I’m being a great “pack leader” for my little man. Now I can also raise my puppy with my mom while she raises her puppy.  Henry is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and my mom’s dog, Tyrone, is a Rhodesian ridgeback. People will try to tell you the decisions you make in your life are wrong or they aren’t the right way to live but if you want to do something then DO IT. Only you know what will make you happy.  Easy as that.  It’s your life so live it as you feel you should.  People told me that I wouldn’t be able to take care of Henry during chemo because it’s a lot of responsibility and it was a very bad decision.  I got him anyway and I can’t be happier.  I love him. 

Sometimes it takes a life threatening experience to appreciate life.  When you are staring death in the face you have a choice to fight and a choice to give up.  We are wired to fight! For me there is no other option.  I look at life in a different light now.  I love the air I breathe and the sun on my face.  Life is good and worth the fight. I didn’t tell any of my family or friends what I did the day after I was diagnosed so where better to read this but in a blog.  Once my parents left my place I got online and ordered my username and password note book.  This book has a place for you to put all of your online and important accounts (bank account etc.) usernames and passwords so if you pass away your family and friends can access these easily to do what they need to do to close the accounts.  I also picked out my urn online and decided where I would want to sprinkled if and when I passed.  I didn’t do these things because I was accepting defeat or expecting to die but I did see that this was an option and these things needed to happen.  I was just imagining my family having to deal with my finances and loose ends and also asking all of my friends if they knew my plans if I ever unexpectedly passed away.

I have my next Taxol treatment tomorrow at 10:45am.  I’m going in without a cold so I’ll be able to correctly express my experience this time and will write more about my side effects etc. about a week after tomorrow.  Thank you to my family and friends for all of your help and support through this fight.  I cant say I would have been able to do this without you.

-Carina

One swipe through my hair.  A bit traumatic.

The shower after one wash.  I had to call the landlord to unclog the drain.

Me and my fake hair.

My mom shaving my head.

What I looked like when my hair started falling out.

How I really look...

and how I really feel

Adriamycin and Cytoxan chemotherapy

Getting chemo

Resting day after Chemo # 4

Chemo + food poisoning + chest cold

My hair after chemo #4 and my nails are black.

Henry

Henry on the left and his brother on the right.

Me and my boy.

Henry's first bath

My friend Colleen and I at her engagement party

drastic change in my look after the first Taxol treatment

Tara, Anne and I at colleen's engagement party

Getting blood

A/C

Being attacked by my little man

Days after Chemo

Treatment #3

Hi everyone,

After having my 3rd treatment I have realized that it never gets easier.  Some people say the first one is the hardest and some say the second one is the worst but I say they all have sucked equally :-)  After the second treatment a lot of my hair fell out all over my bed and in the shower which was a bit overwhelming to say the least but there was enough to style on my head and really you couldn’t tell all that much yet.  This time I have the vacuum out with the amount of hair that’s falling out.  Okay so here is how the treatment days go.  I pack the Chemo hats and take a ride with either my mom or my dad and we sit in the waiting room with everyone else that has their poison day on the same day and time as me.  The saddest part of it is that it’s always full when I go to the chemo room.  So many people needing to be treated and so many ports and so many IV's.  I hall all of my stuff to the back room where they give me my Lupron shot.  This shot is the one that is supposed to help me go into menopause so that the chemo doesn’t kill my eggs in a “fingers crossed” sort of way.  After taking the shot that makes me a crazy woman I get my port accessed.  Then I sit in the room with the other cancer patients while we all become loopy (ativan) and have funny conversations.  The pain doesn’t start right away.  It usually sets in with the feeling of the flu with being weak and my skin hurts and body just doesn’t feel right.  By the time I get home I feel like hell and from then on the pain and worst part of this whole process begins and that’s the chemo recovery.  I don’t eat much for 5 days and don’t remember much either.  I take the meds I need because my family is here to remind me but if it were up to me it wouldn’t be done correctly.  The days go by as a traumatic blur and the hardest decisions I have to make are whether to take this kind of med for stomach pain and not take the one for nausea or take the one that helps me calm down but then I can’t take the one that helps with severe stomach pain blah blah.  After the first 3 days of recovery my body tries to flush out the toxins buy sweating moving wastes through but this process is another major painful one that I wish didn’t come with chemo.  I feel like im passing glass and rocks in my stomach and i can hardly stand.  It gets so bad that it makes me sweat and shake until it passes or moves to a place that doesn’t hurt anymore. On or around the 5^th day my resting heart rate is over 100 and I can’t fill my stomach fast enough with food. I went back to work today and my brain is kind of there and kind of in the mind of an angry menopausal woman who keeps sweating.  Tomorrow will be better and from here is where I catch up from missing 5 days of normal life.  Once I get caught up then I have another treatment and it all starts over again.  I must say though I would love to be married and have kids and a great career with my husband by my side wondering what candles and furniture would enhance our house.  I can appreciate that amazing and blessed life.  I do myself have a blessed life with amazing people that surround me with love and support and a job that I love with many many blessings.  I do have a different respect for the life I saw myself living at age 31 though.  I did see myself married with kids and an established career but im here fighting for my life every other week balding, single, with breast cancer and unsure i can have children when all this is over.  All of the scars I ever had on my hands and feet have turned brown and my finger nails have turned dark.  My hair hasn’t fallen out in giant clumps but enough to cover my pillow every morning.  I think I’ll just shave it soon and bite the bullet.  My arm and leg hair hasn’t fallen out and my eyebrows and eye lashes are still there but not growing so I’m not waxing. When I eat I usually get hair in my food mouth or eyes and its gross.  I’m the least bit feminine and have become very human and flawed with no way to cover it up in the last few months.  In the whole superficial aspect of all of this I have had to chop my outer beauty completely and become my natural self with grey skin and no hair. Who would have thought? But after this I will appreciate and do appreciate all of my blessings.  I know everything happens for a reason. If i calculate it right I dont see the sun for 5 days after treatment and have treatment every other week for 4 months which makes it so ill miss 40 days of rain or shine for 120 days of chemo and if anything i appreciate every day I can go outside and feel the sun or cold on my face.

 overwhelming and not sugarcoated but REAL

A Mother's Perspective

Hi everyone,
I figured it would be good to share my moms perspective in all of this. 

"This is not all right.  That’s what I have to say about my daughter having breast cancer.  It’s just not okay.  Yes, I am certain that she will fight it and have a long healthy life with a family and a great career she loves with all the adventure that comes with it but having cancer is never okay.

Getting to the point where Carina started chemo was absolutely indescribable.  There was so much fear, emotion, disbelief that we held each other through that the day of chemo was just the apex of the huge mountain we had already climbed in a few short months. Days have all blended together for us.  Her first of eight chemo days I couldn’t make my mind realize that I was on my way to Santa Monica again to voluntarily deliver my beautiful baby to have a needle stuck in a port surgically implanted in her chest and let red and white poison drip directly into her vena cava that shoots into her heart.  My role in Carina’s fight has been to research the disease, drugs, chemo agents and their effects, side effects, and exactly why she needs these to survive.  At least we could explain how and why she went to near death and back over the next four days.

Carina was ready to bolt out the door just before we started after a weekend of pain and fever post egg retrieval.  Doctor Fischer assured us and took us back to the poison room.  Carina’s oncology nurse gave her a shot of Ativan that sent her to the moon.  We got her chemo hats on her and off we went.  A series of shots and IV’s went into her for a few hours with several changes of ice hats, a long list of medicines she had to take for the next three days, and so much insurance garbage to sort through.  I couldn’t believe we were heading home and it was in her.  Immediately the Adriamycin and Cytoxin attacked her intestinal system.  Nausea ensued like you wouldn’t believe.  A few hours of fighting it led into two days. Once she calmed down enough to sleep the chemo took over her little body.  She was this waif of a woman lying on her side in her bed and could look up with only enough energy to say “Hi mama” and back to sleep. Not knowing that one day had turned into the next or whether it was day or night, she just existed.  On the third day the nausea subsided a little but the abdominal pain, head ache, and emotional roller coaster started that were all menopause symptoms from the Lupron.  The chemo affected her bones, mouth, eyes, head, and skin. She was truly taken to hell and back and I couldn’t stop it.  Feed her and comfort her was all I could do.  On day 3 her roommate text me to say she wasn’t doing very well.  I was already on my way there.  That night she rested her head on my stomach while I tickled her hair for hours.  Her resting heart rate was close to 100 because her little body was fighting to clear the poison out and start recovering the cells chemo had killed.  She woke up and asked what time it was and her only concern was that I needed to sleep.  That’s my girl.

The next morning I knew she was going to make it and that the poison wasn’t going to kill her because she called me in a rage over something that, in retrospect, wasn’t worth the energy.  I smiled on the other end knowing that the next two weeks were going to be good.

Thursday is the next “treatment” or what ever we call it.  Like everything in this process that is just not okay, it’s easier to take when we know what to expect.  We have heard countless stories of chemo infusions and how the first one is the worst, or the second one is the worst, but we live this as if Carina is the only person dealing with it because it is her fight and hers alone.  Over the past two months I have researched every aspect of this disease and it’s treatments.  It’s been like a required course for a degree that everyone dreads but we have no choice.  I’m shooting for the best outcome for Carina with the last treatment somewhere in July."

-Lari Bright

3/13/12

My First Treatment

Hi Family and Friends,

I had my first treatment on Tuesday Feb 28^th. I am not going to lie I was scared.  I brought the chemo caps but I don’t think I made them cold enough so we will see in about 14 days if it worked. I went to work for the first half of the day then to be honest most of this is sort of a blur. I went and got the dry ice before chemo to freeze the hats.  Then my mom and I packed all of my 6 bags to take to my treatment.  One for meds, one for medical docs, another was my purse, one more for the Chemo hats, another for my laptop and another for my blankets and jackets.  Haha we were over prepared.  I got to my place where I packed and my mom prepared the hats then we went to St. Johns.  My dad met us at Saint John’s and helped with the luggage.  We looked like foreigners.  The nurse took me and my parents back to one room where I finally lost my cool completely and cried.  My mom and dad held strong and let me purge.  I love them. I first got my Lupron (menopause shot) so the chemo wouldn’t kill my eggs (fingers crossed). They let me pick my lounge chair in the treatment room so I tucked my luggage away and they hooked me up to the IV.  To take the edge off the nurse gave me some Ativan (for anxiety) which I’m pretty sure was enough for a 500lb man and not for a 140lb woman.  I was pretty messed up.  Then came the red liquid and the clear liquid.  I’m not sure which was which because I was so loopy.  After the 2 hours of treatment and shots I went home and felt like I was hit by a truck.  Close to throwing up but never did because of all the meds and ginger ale. I tried to fall asleep as much as possible.  I didn’t know I couldn’t take Ambien or Sonata but I did which could have caused me to go into a coma.  Well I won’t do that again.  The next three days was a blur and I just wanted to be sedated or knocked out completely.  I ate a little but not enough.  My mind wasn’t up to par the last few days and the nurse called it chemo head.  I guess the chemo effects everything as it should.  I noticed the skin on my lips are peeling off and my nose is filled with snot.  Not trying to impress here haha. My stomach is really sensitive and I have no energy.  Today I had to take a break from writing my calendar for March.  I laid down for 20 minutes after 5 min of writing my calendar. So last night (I think it was last night but it could have been the night before last) my roommate texted my mom and told her I wasn’t doing too well.  I’m not sure what tipped him to think I wasn’t doing well but I really wasn’t.  When I woke up I was about to call my mom to help me but she was already outside my place.  Last night my mom gave me food and water and scratched my head for a couple hours while the meds kicked in.  I was having such a rough time but today I’m feeling a little better.  Still have chemo head and menopause hot flashes maybe who knows what all of this is and what’s going on.  I feel like my IQ has gone down a lot since I started chemo.  The chemo kills my bacteria too which makes it so I have no body odor.  It’s weird.  Last night I had a resting heart rate of 100 so my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest.  I’ll write more once my brain turns back on.  This has been hard to say the least.  Thanks everyone for all of your help and support through this hard time. I tried to post the videos but they were too big.  Ill try again.

Im hooked through my port getting treatment.

I let finally let go and cried.

                                                 The HEADS of my support group.  I love you. 

 My mom

Mom by my bed after surgery

Dad with a smile during my chemo treatment

They have been by my side every second of this.  Thank you to everyone for all the support and help.

Scared

Hi everyone,

Tonight I stayed at work until 1:30am because 1. there is just way too much to get done and not enough time and two I thought that if I leave then the chemotherapy will be happening sooner than later. Crazy logic I know.  If I stayed there longer then the longer it would take for me to have to go through my first treatment.  I got in my car and remembered I needed to get the dry ice for my chemo caps and everywhere I went they didn’t have anything.  Then I dropped at Carl’s JR to get some nasty food and take some more time. Once I got the food and sat in my car it was time for me to drive home and get in my bed and fall asleep.  If I fall asleep then ill wake up and have to get my first Lupron shot and my first Chemo injection with my chemo caps.  I’m scared.  I’m scared of something I have never faced before but have only heard stories about this monster.  I don’t have the personal experience to say whether this is going to be fine or if this is going to be agonizing for the next 4 months.  I will be a product of tons of medications for the next 4 months and I won’t be myself.  I must apologize ahead of time and tonight is the night that I officially check out as my true self.  For the next 4 months I’ll be some sort of calm monster and a product of 15-20 different drugs.

Oh man I’m not looking forward to this.

Sleep well my family and friends.

Love Carina

PS I forgot to post this two nights ago but I started chemo yesterday.  Ill show pictures and write more tomorrow.  Good night everyone.

Chemo week

Hi Everyone,

I am supposed to start Chemotherapy on Tuesday at 1:30pm at Dr. Fischer’s office in Santa Monica but, for some reason, I am having some complications with my egg extraction surgery with flu like symptoms and a fever of 101 so it might be postponed.  I went to Urgent Care in Malibu on Friday where they gave me a shot in my butt for the pain and took blood to test for an abdominal infection. My tests came back today saying there is some sort of infection and I would need to see someone soon.  My doctor who did my egg extraction surgery has been out of town for the whole week and is coming back tomorrow so I’m excited to see what he thinks is going on. It was very hard for me to even move my head let alone get out of bed Friday and Saturday. I have been feeling pretty sick but got to go out and see a couple of friends Saturday night which kept my mind off of things and I was on a ton of meds to make me feel just normal.  It hurts my stomach to get out of bed in the morning but thankfully I have some of my chemo meds early that help for nausea, pain, anxiety and constipation. I picked up 10 prescriptions on Friday with my dad after going to urgent care for the chemo. 

1.)Zofran 8mg

2.)Compazine 5mg

3.)Dexamethason 4mg

4.)Zovirax

5.)Compro 25mg

6.)Emla for when they access my Port

7.)Prevacid

8.)Ativan 0.5mg to be able to handle all of this shit :-)

9.)Colace - non prescription

10.)diflucan

11.)Percocet

12.)and Fergon non prescription

If they find that I feel better by Tuesday then we start chemo that day. 

They give me the Lupron, and the A/C part of the chemo first.  The Lupron is a very expensive shot I will have to give myself in the butt that my insurance doesn’t cover. It will throw me into early menopause by making my eggs dormant just so the chemo will have less likely change of killing my eggs.  I’m going to be a 65 year old woman in a 32 year old’s half normal half cut up and deformed boy looking body. Just kidding not really ;-)

The fertility surgery last week went well and I posted the photos and the video of my coming out of the surgery.  Ill post more photos I found.

Thanks everyone and I hope you are all doing well. 

There is a quote I say all the time that helps me get through this every day and that’s

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

 Oh yeah and we chopped my hair off last week and donated it to charity.  I really didn’t want to do it but that’s what they told me I had to do so losing my hair wont be so dramatic.

Okay I’m Signing off for tonight.  Love you all

Carina

Fertility Surgery Before and After

This was my Cancer Dance.  I was happy to get that tumor removed! The day of the lumpectomy.

Im getting prepped for Surgery

This other video is hilarious.  I was coming from surgery and was still messed up from the anesthesia.  Everyone has to have a video like this one :-) and if you dont you can borrow mine.  The flat line makes it even funnier.  haha enjoy

Fertility Treatment Surgery and Extraction was Successful!

Hi Everyone.  I went through 12 days of fertility injections in my stomach from once a day to 3 times a day at the end.  Yesterday Dr. Jain at Santa Monica Fertility successfully extracted 11 follicles and froze 10 of my eggs. Chemo has a high risk of causing infertility because the treatments are so toxic it sometimes kills the eggs and makes women infertile. I was an emotional wreck through this with hot flashes and crying and all that fun stuff but it seemed like when I was questioning why I was doing this I would see a cute little baby somewhere while i was out and they would smile at me and it let me know it was all worth it.  That's all i needed.  Now my stomach is bloated and I'm in pain but that will subside soon enough.  Chemo in a week.  I'm cutting my hair over the weekend.  I don't want to cut it off. 

Another Day, another post

Today I took my drafting table down and put it in storage because I won’t use it for a year.  Today it finally all hit me and maybe it’s the fertility treatments that are affecting my emotions (probably).  Today after taking down my table I sat on my bedroom floor and felt my chemo port and looked at my incisions and cried.  Today was the first day I let myself be weak and I know that it will only make me stronger.  Today is another day of the process.

Fertility

Hi everyone,

Tomorrow I start my fertility treatments to extract my eggs.  I start my ACT chemo treatment the first week of March.  The ACT treatment stands for A-Adriamycin, C-Cytoxan, T-Taxol.  I’ll be receiving treatment for 4 months (once every 2 weeks) and that will be followed by a mastectomy instead of the radiation treatment. We (me, my family and the doctors) have decided this is the best option for me because of the high grade of the cancer and how fast it spread in less than 4 months.  I start the Letrozol for fertility tomorrow then I follow 2 days later with my stomach injections which are supposed to stimulate my ovaries so they can get 12 eggs in one extraction.  I do the injections for 12 days then we extract the eggs for freezing.  This is just to ensure that I can have children after my chemo.  There is a 50% chance the chemo will attack and kill my eggs and force me into early menopause which will make me infertile.  It will be interesting to see how well I do with this whole needle thing by myself. 

Ill post photos soon.  Just kidding J

Oh another thing, I saw another fertility doctor just to get a second opinion because this process is very expensive and a little invasive.  She sat me down in her office and discussed the extraction process.  Then she told me that my priorities have to change and number one on my new list should be to find a mate because I’m 31 and it’s better to freeze an embryo instead of an egg. She told me to think of the best way and location to find a good man because at my age they are all usually married so it will be hard to find. I didn’t blink when she was telling me this. I should have jumped out the window and I bet I wouldn’t have been the first one to do that.  After she was done with her speech I asked her if her fertility package included a free eHarmony or a match.com membership then I told her that I will not be needing her services......Thank you and good day!!! :-D

-Carina

Surgery Pictures

In the prep room before surgery.

My chemo pert implant

My mammogram

After the biopsy

Recovering

My surgery bra/bullet proof vest





The Break Down

Hi Everyone,
Okay here is the break down.  On January 18th 2012 I was diagnosed with stage 1, grade 9, triple-negative breast cancer.  The doctor tells me "a triple negative breast cancer diagnosis means that the offending tumor is estrogen receptor-negative, progesterone receptor-negative and HER2-negative, thus giving rise to the name triple negative breast cancer. On a positive note, this type of breast cancer is typically responsive to chemotherapy."  I start chemo at the beginning of March.

Here is how it all started.  One day I was adjusting myself in my bra, as women do all the time because bras get uncomfortable, and felt a lump about the size of a grape.  I thought to myself it was weird but not solid and hard like they teach you in grade school so I thought nothing of it.  Later that week it didn’t go down so I asked my mom to feel it and see what she thought.  She said sometimes when your hormones are not normal it can cause swelling and lumps but she asked me to get it checked out anyway.  I made an appointment to see my doctor in Malibu on a Friday but on that day 2 hrs before my appointment i called to confirm my time and they told me they no longer take my insurance anymore and I would have to pay $350 to get checked.  I cancelled my appointment and was going to wait for it to go down because I was sure it was nothing. Besides I had just been to the doctor 4 months before that where the doctor felt nothing.  Sunday rolled around and it had gone down a little so I wasn’t rushing anything but my mom begged me to go just for peace of mind so I went to Malibu urgent care January 15th.  Dr. Jill Ferguson seemed sure it was something that needed to be checked asap and sent me to LSG Imaging the next day for my first mammogram. 

I saw Dr. Ross Goldberg Monday January 16th.  The right breast didn’t hurt when clamped it but the left one was so painful.  The nurse said that was a good that usually tumors don’t hurt so pain meant just a lump from hormones.  She left me in the room while she showed Dr. Goldberg then came back and they rushed me into the operating room where they did the biopsy.  I laid back on the table while they stuck me 3 times with the numbing medicine and stuck a long thick biopsy needle in my breast to get three samples. To extract the tissue it sounded like a stable gun so I turned my head and tried not to watch. It was very painful and made me cry (not normal for me) but it was necessary. I wish I could forget that.  Dr. Marjorie Fine from Saint Johns hospital was notified about my tumor finding and waited at her office to talk to me asap about removal and what steps to take if it was malignant or benign. (I Love her) She was off when they called and she waited for me out of the goodness of her heart.  Amazingly she calmed my nerves and that is when I surrendered all worries and fears.  I can’t explain how important having a connection with your doctor makes all the difference.  2 days later I got the call that I have BC so I went home to be with my family and figure out what to do next.  I made an appointment the next day to see what’s next on the list of tests and how to fight this.  I was rushed from one appointment to the next surgeon to oncologist to MRI testing etc. that I couldn’t get any rest to digest what I was told a few days before.  My oncologist at Saint John’s Dr. Sean Fischer told me that I will need chemo for 4 months where I will lose my hair and become very weak and possibly very sick but it effects everyone differently so I’ll play it by ear once chemo starts. I have been prescribed the ACT chemotherapy to fight my cancer. He informed me that chemo attacks weak cells and fast growing or multiplying cells and that is why the hair follicle is attacked which causes the hair loss.  Also my eggs are attacked which has a 50% chance to cause early menopause which would cause me to become infertile.  I have the option to take a pill through chemo called Lupron that will cause my ovaries to become dormant and not produce eggs until the chemo stops and/or to get fertility shots then extract and harvest my eggs just in case the Lupron doesn’t work.  Lupron forces my body into early menopause until I stop taking the pill. I have chosen to do both because I know I want kids.  Insurance doesn’t cover this but the LiveStrong organization has created a resource for cancer patients called Fertile HOPE where they cover $5,000 for medicine and extraction. 

The day of the surgery my mom, dad and Lori (Dads girlfriend) all came to support me at the hospital which made me feel great :-).  Later my aunt Nancy came to support me and the family which was very loving and made me feel supported.  First we signed all the paper work which also included my power of attorney packet just in case I die or become a vegetable during surgery. That was weird.  My parents were very nervous but acted like they weren’t.  While the nurse prepped me my parents stood at the foot of my bed which made me nervous so i asked them to sit.  All I could think about was how I could ease this process for them because I knew this was the hardest thing to go through for them.  I could feel it.  After the IV they took me downstairs for the wire placements and mammogram to make sure the guide wires where in the right place.  THANK GOD my parents were not in the room because there was a hematoma or sack of blood in my breast from the biopsy so when they put the guide wires in my breast and started the mammogram the blood squirted out then drained all over my body and on the floor.  It even got on my back which I’m not sure how that happened.  My gown was all wet. My parents would have passed out if they saw me.  I looked like Carrie White from the movie "Carrie" minus the bloody hair and face :-) The nurse knew how worried my folks were so she cleaned me up so fast.  My mom came in the room 2 seconds after the nurse was done.  Perfect timing.  I was in surgery from 1 until dark but prepping started at 9am.  My mom felt better being next to me in the prep room but once I had to go into surgery she went into the waiting room and cried the whole time.  When I woke up it was dark outside and I felt fine.  They let me sleep for 2 1/2 hours before I left to make sure I was okay.   My dad slept over at my house on the couch just in case I needed anything. The pills were amazing but they only lasted for a few hours so after I fell asleep I woke up in a lot of pain and couldn’t move. I cried again until the meds kicked in but I had to take an Ambien to knock me out.  For the next few days I couldn’t move my arms or lift anything and I also got this groovy bullet proof looking bra stained with blood to wear for over a week until I saw the doctor again to go over my surgery results.  From the date of diagnoses to the surgery recovering days I have gotten so much love and support that it has lifted me and my families spirits through the whole process. I am blessed.

The next doctor visit was a week after surgery and both my parents were there.  After a diagnosis like this you are asked to bring someone with you because you are in shock and need another ear for the stuff you miss (which is a lot because your brain is mush).  Dr. Fine told me that they removed 6 lymph nodes which all came back negative for cancer which means the cancer didnt get a chance to spread since we caught it so fast.  She also told me that the cancer was 1.8cm and the surrounding area had a "high nuclear grade, (which we knew already) with a widespread extension into lobules, extending over 5.4cm (about 2.1 inches) and close to the posterior inked specimen edge."  This means the cancer was so fast growing that the area around it was irregular which needed to be removed as well.  Since the cancer grew so fast she recommended a full mastectomy (full breast removal and reconstruction) and a brca gene test to see my genetic cancer risk and if it’s possible for me to pass this gene to my children.  I have chosen to schedule my mastectomy for a month after my last chemo treatment in about 6 months.  Removing all the tissue will result in no radiation which I've been told burns and scars.  Before this all happened I was self-conscious about my breasts and always was wanted them to look better maybe get them surgically enhanced.  After all of the tests and needles/surgery I see them differently.  Ladies love your breasts no matter what they look like because they are a part of you.  Now that I will be losing mine it breaks my heart to say good bye to a part of ME.  Embrace your body and cherish it because it’s all you got.  Take care of yourself and always remember life is a gift. 
I am doing everything in my power to get better but I know it’s going to be tough.  I will come out of this a better person and will have grown a lot. It’s overwhelming though so sometimes I can’t respond to everyone or call all the time.  I love all of the support.  Thank you everyone for being there for me.  I’m writing this blog to keep my concerned friends and family updated.  Keep in mind I have never blogged a day in my life so forgive me.  Ill post photos of myself through this so you all can see what this does to my body.
Monday I start injections for harvesting.  It all started January 18th and from then on life will never be the same.  I WILL FIGHT THIS AND I WILL SURVIVE!
With love,
Carina